Trading in My God Complex

by Natalie Finamore

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04:49
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05:42
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05:09
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04:34
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released April 16, 2016

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Natalie Finamore Ogden, Utah

Natalie Finamore is an 18-year-old singer-songwriter who will be going to Whittier College and majoring in Music this coming school year.

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Track Name: Vantablack
There are some advantages
To sucking all the light out
To stumble through the streets in a New York Blackout
With your palms out
For money or fortune or anything that brings you hope
A quarter, a candybox to cope
One man's trash is another man's dope, oh

And honey if I didn't feel so black I'd feel white
And if I had one less heavy heart I think I could fly

Even the major keys sound sad to me
A feeling so black that your eyes would have to strain to see it
There's so much gravity
All the brevity is lost on me
But I keep trying, I keep trying
To shed this vantablack, to shed this vantablack

I measure my patience
In the number of outpatient visits
I'm used to my friends wearing blue plastic name tags
On their right wrists
And I don't know why, I don't know why
We empty orange bottles so we don't die
When our emotions so endanger our lives
We are bottled ships under the watch of irresponsible eyes
And honey if I didn't feel so black I'd feel white
And if I had one less heavy heart I think I could fly

Even the major keys sound sad to me
A feeling so black that your eyes would have to strain to see it
There's so much gravity
All the brevity is lost on me
But I keep trying, I keep trying
To shed this vantablack, to shed this vantablack

When you stand in the sunlight
You will cast a shadow
The brighter the future
The darker the battle
You may wear lead shoes and sing the blues but...

Even the major keys sound sad to me
A feeling so black that your eyes would have to strain to see it
There's so much gravity
All the brevity is lost on me
But I keep trying, I keep trying
To shed this vantablack, to shed this vantablack
To shed this vantablack
To shed, To shed, To shed
This vantablack
vantablack
Track Name: Forget Me Not
A daisy chain call me insane intertwine forget-me-nots
Step quietly these flowers are gorgeous but we are not
Whisper into my ears a scream a sonnet of your fears
He says "I need you badly, let me strangle you my dear"

Waste me, just so you can taste me
Vinegar-coated honey
In between these caramel-apple lips lie razors
Waste me, just so you can chastely
Call me sugar, call me hot
Burn my skin and leave my teeth to rot, forget me not.

His soiled hands sign contraband love letters addressed to me
My buzzing flies detect his lies I believe what I cannot see
A stage-set kiss, a touch, another hit-or-miss
He says "I need you badly, let me steal all of your bliss."

Waste me, just so you can taste me
Vinegar-coated honey
In between these caramel-apple lips lie razors
Waste me, just so you can chastely
Call me sugar, call me hot
Burn my skin and leave my teeth to rot, forget me not.

I didn't mean to violate you he says
I didn't mean to consecrate you he says
I didn't mean to soil unpolluted skin
I didn't mean to make you sin
I didn't mean x7
F*ck what you mean
It's what you did

Waste me, just so you can taste me
Vinegar-coated honey
In between these caramel-apple lips lie razors
Waste me, just so you can chastely
Call me sugar, call me hot
Burn my skin and leave my teeth to rot, forget me not.
Track Name: Stuck Here
This city is an ambulance romance
Speeding headlong towards its death
There's no chance of survival
Counting down the minutes til dead on arrival
They sleep in doorways across from the temple
Those less fortunate on their own
There's no chance of survival
Counting down the minutes til dead on arrival

Clock in, clock out,
Nine to five
None of us will get out alive
We persevere
With our feet in the sewer and our heads in the stratosphere
We're all stuck here
The grass ain't too green and the other side is all too near

You're sick and you're gray
The prescription is for you to pray
But God isn't pausing for you
No he's all too pleased with his holy high-rise view
And You haven't yeen a pretty face
Since you've been in this god-forsaken place
Waiting for your saving grace
But all you have left is your own face

Clock in, clock out,
Nine to five
None of us will get out alive
We persevere
With our feet in the sewer and our heads in the stratosphere
We're all stuck here
The grass ain't too green and the other side is all too near

Is the grass really greener
Or was it all some kind of twisted fairy-tale?

Clock in, clock out,
Nine to five
None of us will get out alive
We persevere
With our feet in the sewer and our heads in the stratosphere
We're all stuck here
The grass ain't too green and the other side is all too near

This city is an ambulance romance
Speeding headlong towards its death
There's no chance of survival
Counting down the minutes til dead on arrival
Track Name: Cruel-Aid
With placid eyes that creep,
Up your thighs,
He weeps,
"Why am I always the bad guy?"
Dark bags beneath
Gnashing primal teeth,
He'll kiss you sweet,
With the aftertaste of rotting meat
And every hand he wins, he cheats
And he digs graves for those willing to be depraved
Turning virgins into slaves, coward, call yourself brave
Oh he lays waste with claims of being chaste
Keeping both of his hands laced with last night's pretty face
He says, "I am an addict. I am a bad man. I ain't no saint."
Goddamn right you ain't.

Crooked rot, Crooked waste
Crooked teeth in a pretty face
Insomnia, wasted space
Pacing ruts in my happy place
Counting out poison pills to heal
Some of my ills,
Appeal me, my sweet, force me to drink
Cruel-Aid

Cigarettes, black lungs, rat poison and regrets
I'm gonna genuflect on the respect this here deal will deflect
Affix me to my crucifix
Oh lord I ask for one more hit
He's a dirty rotten scoundrel in a dirty rotten pit
Oh I am no preacher but this is my gospel
Gather the congregation and apostles
Adam's a snake and Eve will partake
In forbidden fruit if it looks like a cake
She is an addict, he is a bad man, we don't live with saints
So put you hand up if you ain't

Crooked rot, Crooked waste
Crooked teeth in a pretty face
Insomnia, wasted space
Pacing ruts in my happy place
Counting out poison pills to heal
Some of my ills,
Appeal me, my sweet, force me to drink
Cruel-Aid

Hold your tongue and grind your teeth
As you lies creep underneath and
Out my lung, between my lips
Cursing from your fingertips
The crookeder your motives get,
The crookeder my heartbeat hits
You're rotting me from the inside x3
Crooked rot, crooked rot, crooked rot

Crooked rot, Crooked waste
Crooked teeth in a pretty face
Insomnia, wasted space
Pacing ruts in my happy place
Counting out poison pills to heal
Some of my ills,
Appeal me, my sweet, force me to drink
Cruel-Aid
Track Name: Stockholm Syndrome Lullaby
I can hear them speak behind my back
She's gone and had a hard attack
She's slowly losing her mind
And I watch as your hands twist
Tight around her skinny wrists
Your lovesick Valentine
I feel the bruise you gave me
Spread against my skin
Stretching from my hairline
Down until my shin
I know my life's been pretty good
But mama is upset
Daddy's always angry
And I am just a wreck

*I feel you in my bones
I try to exorcise your ghost
But it has found a home
And I have been a sorry host
My heart just wants to roam
But you have gone and made the most
Of one more ugly lie
*The Stockholm Syndrome lullaby

I've started to believe I'm alone
Cause my head's stuffed with rag and bone
And I've been losing my mind
And I watch as our smiles fade
With skinny hearts and fire raids
A fuse lit by the blind
I feel the scars I've won
Scream into the wind
It makes me wonder if I
was chaste or if I sinned
I know my life's been just alright
But my lover breaks my neck
My friends are in the bathroom
And I am just a wreck

**

I love my captor
The trauma ward's rapture
I love my captor
The final chapter
I thought I was worth a lot
But I love it when you say I'm not
I watch you hold her taught
And I feel myself shaking
fraught with weight from waking
to the dawn
The moon falls into the sea
And I cry anon

**
Hush now, don't you cry, the Stockholm Syndrome Lullaby
Learn to love a lie, the Stockholm Syndrome Lullaby
Hush now, baby, don't you cry, your crib's a cage and you're stuck there til you die
Track Name: Wreckless
Baby I have grown, far too old to be this young
Prescription pills and cold caffeine are like sugar on my tongue
Fighting demons in my waking hours and sleeping with a gun
I was told these were my golden years

I'm a wreck
And you are reckless
Kiss a bruise beneath my heart-shaped necklace
Leave your scars but only where they leave me breathless
And promise me you love me like this

The Devil's in the details
And the reason's in the doubt,
The picture-perfect family
But the film is all washed out
Take my hand,
I can't promise I will lead you to the promised land
And plans will never go as planned
But plans are boring

I'm a wreck
And you are reckless
Kiss a bruise beneath my heart-shaped necklace
Leave your scars but only where they leave me breathless
And promise me you love me like this

Baby I have grown far too old to be this young
Put me in an old folk's home
And waste away waste away
Oh kiss me hard and carry me
And promise you won't bury me
I'm the California kid
You're the one with the gun
You said California kid, you're the one, you're the one

You're the one
You're the one
And now you're gone
Now you're gone

I'm a wreck
And you are reckless
Kiss a bruise beneath my heart-shaped necklace
Leave your scars but only where they leave me breathless
And promise me
Promise me
Promise me
Promise me
Promise me
You love me like this

You love me like this
You love me wreckless
Track Name: Young Vampires
Let's build a castle, let's build a casket
And pretend
That we are young vampires doting on the moon
Let's hide beneath blankets and not look in mirrors
Cause we can't see ourselves
And hold back the sun cause dawn always comes too soon

The problem is, you are the daylight
And I live for the night
The sun is beautiful but it burns me
So I trail off behind, in the shadows of my mind,
And wait til you're out of sight

So you have a castle and I have a casket
Cause I'm a beast
And princes don't often mingle with vampires
To say the least
I am the shut in, you are free
You don't even like monsters like me
But look in my eyes, maybe you'll see

That you have always been the daylight
A dawning on my endless night
You, you're beautiful but you burn me
Oh please, oh please, oh please, don't you leave

Til death do us part, no
Death always comes too soon, so

Let's build a castle, let's build a casket
And pretend
That we are young lovers
To hold back the moon
To hell with the sun
Dawn's always too soon
I'll just say I love you and hope that you love me too
And hope that you love me too